Saudade
by Srinalyn
Summary: -Oneshot- Matthew was a different person in the midst of war. It both intrigued and terrified Alfred. (Can be interpreted as platonic or romantic but if it's romantic pls imagine this as an au or something bc incest is bad kids)


**This takes place in a slight AU. They are representations of countries, but this is a fictional war, as I can't be bothered to make sure things are specific and accurate to any real wars. I'd also like to add that this is not incest. I don't consider the two related, and in this story, they are most definitely not brothers.**

Saudade - meaning a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves.

* * *

Throughout the decades of knowing Matthew, Alfred had never seen him like this.

The Matthew he knew was kind and polite, despite a bit passive aggressive, and smiled easily.

The Matthew he now saw in front of him was cold, and was often found with a hardened expression on his face. It was an accomplishment when Alfred did manage to get him to crack a smile, no matter how small.

He blamed the war, the first that Matthew really involved himself with. He was just happy that they were on the same side - he didn't know what he'd have done if they were against each other. This Matthew was so intriguing, but he also terrified Alfred at times.

Alfred simply longed to see Matthew really smile again.

* * *

 _-May 24th, 1984-_

He did try to make Matthew smile sometimes.

Alfred glanced over at the blonde beside him, watching as he was slightly jostled around from the bumps the truck went over, yet didn't even seem to react to it.

"Hey, Matt?"

Matthew simply made a small noise in acknowledgment, signalling he heard Alfred.

"You haven't smiled in ages, dude! You don't want me to pull out my bad jokes now, do you?" Alfred flashed a grin, hoping to lighten the mood.

Matthew only sighed, shaking his head, the same expression on his face. Alfred's smile fell and he didn't say anything else for the rest of the ride.

* * *

 _-August 19th, 1984-_

The sounds of the battlefield were something that Alfred hated.

The gunshots and explosions weren't the worst part. What he really hated were the sounds of the soldiers around him. War was a messy thing, and there had to be casualties, he knew that. But, he still had to take a moment to recover every moment he heard someone cry out as a bullet pierced their leg, or as a piece of debris hit them. Yet, as he looked over at Matthew beside him, the Canadian didn't seem to even flinch. It was scary to see him like this. Alfred often ended up looking at him with his eyes full of curiosity and slight fear. When Matthew glanced over to see this, he would usually tell Alfred to focus on the task at hand, before looking away again.

Alfred simply wished that he could see some sort of humanity within Matthew in times like this.

* * *

 _-June 1st, 1986-_

The first time Alfred managed to get a laugh out of Matthew, they were already two years into the war.

It was a short-lived, feeble laugh, but a laugh nonetheless. And it made Alfred the happiest man on earth, despite the bullet in his arm.

"Oh how the tables have turned! Seems like you're the hero now, Mattie... oh, what am I worth now?" Alfred feigned sadness and dramatically turned away, but kept Matthew in his peripheral vision.

"All I did was carry you here, Al." Despite it all, Matthew kept his modesty, Alfred noticed. "But I wouldn't mind taking the title of hero from you for a while, maybe it'll fix your inflated ego." He let a small smile reach his lips, and even let out a soft chuckle.

Alfred's face immediately lit up, and he sat up, taking in the moment. He had missed Matthew's laugh, and wanted to sear it into his memory, for he didn't know when he'd hear it again. All he knew is that it would be a long time until he would.

* * *

 _-September 4th, 1987-_

The next time he saw Matthew's smile, or heard his laugh, was more than a year later. But honestly, he would've preferred to have waited longer for either than to see and hear them in a time like this.

Matthew was in the infirmary tent, a sharp piece of debris lodged in his gut.

Alfred knew they couldn't truly die, they were nations after all. But there were times when they could 'die', for just a few minutes, but it was hell. He knew, he had been through it. And the last thing he wanted was for Matthew to go through it, but he knew there was no avoiding it.

Yet, at a time like this, Matthew started making jokes. He smiled, he laughed, and he made jokes while experiencing excruciating pain. Alfred didn't understand it.

"Hey, Al," Matthew stopped for a moment to cough into his hand, leaving his hand to be coated in his blood, "You can have your title of hero back now, you won that battle for us, you know. And doesn't seem like I'll be in any shape to be a hero anytime soon. Your ego better have deflated a bit since I'm being nice enough to give you your hero title back." He smiled up at Alfred, and let out a weak laugh.

"Mattie, listen to me, you can keep the hero title, you hear me? Plus, I only won that because you were immobilized at the very end." Alfred grasped Matthew's hand, and bit his lip as he felt the blood on his hand as well. "Just... stay awake, we can fix this, okay? I am not letting you die, I refuse to let you go through that hell."

"Jeez Al, I make a joke and you stay all serious? Who are you and what have you done with Alfred F. Jones?" Matthew grinned again, but winced as his movement along with it cause the debris to wedge itself deeper into his stomach.

Alfred just squeezed his hand tighter, and told himself that Matthew would be okay. Yet, when he looked back at Matthew, he could see the light already fading from his eyes, and felt the tears reach his eyes.

"No no, Mattie, please. You can't do this... you don't know what it's like, but it's terrible. It's the worst thing you can experience, and is far worse than what you're going through now.." Matthew only looked at Alfred, giving him an apologetic smile.

"God dammit Matthew Williams, just stay awake! Just, please." Alfred used his free hand to run his fingers through Matthew's matted hair.

Matthew's heartbeat stopped.

* * *

 _-September 9th, 1987-_

Alfred longed to see Matthew's smile again.

Or just to see him at all. Yet, he was barred from seeing Matthew at all for the week following his temporary death.

Luckily, the war seemes to be coming to an end, as their side overpowered the other. But it meant nothing to Alfred if Matthew wasn't there with him to see it end. His absence, no matter how short, left Alfred longing for him and in a state of worry.

He would make sure Matthew smiled the next time he saw him.

* * *

 _-September 12th, 1987-_

Matthew was let out of the tent he was held in, and Alfred was the first to see him. He threw his arms around him and let out a spew of questions, asking Matthew if he was okay, and repeatedly apologizing for what he had to go through.

Matthew had only looked at Alfred, and smiled at him.

And that smile, that damned smile. It was the smile that Alfred had longed to see for the whole of the war. It was a sincere smile, and one truly happy.

It had seemed that Matthew knew of the upcoming end of the war, and finally let himself go back to his normal self.

Alfred was happy.

* * *

 _-December 15th, 1987-_

The Matthew that Alfred had seen during the war was both intriguing and terrifying.

He hadn't smiled much, seemed cold, and just wasn't Matthew.

But as Alfred looked at the man in front of him, he saw the smile that he had longed for previously.

Grasping Matthew's hand in his own, he grinned, and his heart melted at the loving smile he recieved in return.

Throughout the decades of knowing Matthew, only now could Alfred say that he had seen a different side of Matthew.

Alfred no longer needed to long for the smile he now saw every day, and he couldn't be happier.


End file.
